Three, two, one, "Action!"
And so there I am sitting near an indoor pool in a white plastic lawn chair. I was there in a previous dream when some gay guy had lightheartedly flirted with me. I had played along, similar to the way I do when a woman I'm not attracted to is too flirtatious--no need to be mean, flattery is flattery, as long as it doesn't cross a certain threshold.
Unfortunately, that threshold was about to be demolished. A few seconds later, the guy reappears from my right and staggers near me. He's hammered, glass in hand, hair disheveled. He tells me he wants my sweet ass and starts trying to grope me and all. Then the whole thing goes downhill as he makes a b-line for my ass, smiling and saying he's going to put his finger in first.
The worst about nightmares is the inability to fight off a predator with effective force. The brain tells the hand to make a fist, and while the command is obeyed, there's this surreal delay in reaction time. My arms won't budge. I try to swing at him but I can't muster enough force to throw a punch--I'm just laying there, twisting and turning away from his probing hands. Meanwhile my anal cavity is perking up tighter than virgin lips to a shot of Jack Daniels.
Next thing I know, I'm awake. Light shining through my windows. Hollywood sign off in the distance. It's a bit overcast and cold, but at least my anus is intact. Or is it!? I immediately notice something strange!! Oh shit!!
Oh shit!! Did I just shit my pants?
I'm engulfed by feelings of embarrassment. How old am I? Three!? I start to rationalize things. Maybe I had to take a massive shit, and I was subconsciously trying to get myself to wake up. The mind isn't all there when you first awake. Have you ever grabbed your hand that's fallen asleep during the night and ask yourself, ‘Whose fucken hand is this!?’ Eyes roll around the room to see if anyone is there and then you feel a tingling sensation--it's mine, doh!
Anyway, I'm laying there with thoughts of shit going through my head, trying to make myself feel better, dreading the possibility of some heavy-duty clean up. I start to think that maybe I've caught this little brown prankster playing peek-a-boo and maybe, just maybe, I'm clean and free. I muster up the courage to take the walk of shame from my bed to the bathroom and find out what the damage is without disturbing the little guy.
I shift myself a bit, ease off the side of the bed, and gently begin tugging at the sides of my shorts. It feels like the piece of shit is tightly crammed inside the crack of my ass. I tug a little more. Wha' th' Fuck?! I exclaimed. You gotta be kidding me!
I hadn't shit my pants after all. Seems all the shifting in the middle of the night had given me one of the biggest wedgies ever known to man! No shit! Ahh, relief. And lots of laughter. Truly was a "shits and giggles" experience! It happens! Sometimes.
1 comment:
"Have you ever grabbed your hand that's fallen asleep during the night and ask yourself, ‘Whose fucken hand is this!?’ Eyes roll around the room to see if anyone is there and then you feel a tingling sensation--it's mine, doh! "
That paragraph really made me laugh out loud, because I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. It really is the funniest thing, and you depicted it so perfectly. Haha.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and read my post, by the way. =) I do appreciate it.
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